Once Abused

During a recent online discussion, we talked about being abused. It's easy to say "I'll never let that happen to me" or how you're too smart to let that happen. Let me just say that it happens to the best. If you know me, you can't look at me and tell that I've been in that situation. I was one of the ones that said after the first time it happened, I was gone. I also said that I wouldn't even let it get to that point because I loved me more than I did him....Or so I thought.

So the relationship started off wonderful. I did for him, he did for me, he was my first, we were in love. There was nothing that you could tell me about him that would've made me even put the notion in the back of my head that he had some abusive tendencies. See, like a lot of young ladies, I thought that abuser had rap sheets longer than the Grand Canyon. I thought abuser had tattoos everywhere and had problems with drinking and drugs. They don't even have to be over 6' 6" and weigh 300 pounds. Never once did it pop up that an abuser can look like the total opposite. They can be at church every Sunday, Wednesday and all in between. They can hold down 9-5 jobs, meet your family and make a lasting impression. They can even wine and dine you, treating you like royalty---until you piss them off. The devil does indeed wear Prada.

True enough, I should've saw the warning signs but how do you when what you think is love has clouded your vision? When you start to put more into him and the relationship than you put into yourself, how can you tell when enough is enough? When being talked down to or cheated on or hit has become your daily life, who's to tell you that you need to leave? Afterall, it's what you expect right? Nobody knows exactly what to do until you're in that position and you're at your breaking point. To say you're tired is one thing. I was tired a lot of times but I kept allowing him back into my life. Who's to say I didn't know any better? I did indeed. I knew a lot of better. I knew how to use and was licensed to use a gun. I was known as a "bully" to some people so why let a person do that to me? Hmm, stupidity and I honestly thought I was in love. So I would make excuses and swear that the last time was the last time. He promised me that the last time would be the last time so I stayed with him and I noticed, it got more violent each time I said we were through. Until I declared myself officially sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I was broken mentally, emotionally and physically. And I was tired. I was tired of being tired, I was tired of being stressed, I was tired of being depressed and I wanted a change. The saying that it takes a woman to lose her mind once after being abused is so true. It took me once to let him know that I was tired of having it. We got into a verbal argument, that turned physical and all I remember is seeing an object flying at me. After it missed me by an inch, I lost it. It was so bad, the neighbors called the police and I told him on that night that he almost lost his life. I walked away and never looked back. Was I still in love? Hell yes I was but that night in the ER, I realized that no amount of love was worth what I was going through. I'd say it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

Although he never left bruises on my face or visible spots, the ones that didn't show hurt the most. That swollen hand I had or that sore back or that broken toe can't even add up to the scars that still remain--the ones that can't be covered with a bandaid or faded away with coco butter. I'm talking about the internal scars. The ones that took only time and forgiveness to heal. It's been 5, going on 6 years and I've moved on and someone else came into my life and well, the rest is nothing but history. So to that young girl who is saying it'll never happen to them, honey don't speak too soon. Even if you fight ur dude back, abuse is abuse and it comes in more than just the physical form. He's cheating, that's abuse. He's constantly telling you that you're nothing, that's abuse. Don't be too quick to judge whoever; learn from them.

God bless!