My Horrible, Ghetto Weekend

I love my family, Lord knows I do, but sometimes I question them. Last week I went out of town for a funeral and Easter weekend. Before I can go any further, I have to let you know that my family is not your typical family. There is nothing that we do in orderly fashion. I often tell people who are meeting them for the first time that what you see is what you'll get. With that said, let's get to the highlights and all that took place in one day.

Saturday
I said I wasn't gonna do it but I did. I attended my great aunt (my Granny's sister) funeral. Boy oh boy, where do I start?

I can't talk about the funeral until I tell you the background. My great aunt was really sick. She had 3 kids, none of whom are hers biologically. When she got sick, she had over $5,000 in the bank which could've obviously went towards a pre-paid burial. Well her daughters got greedy and basically ran through the money. When the money was gone, they were ready to put her in a nursing home (which they should've done before). The issue with that the one who is a nurse wasn't gonna be getting paid by the state anymore so they did it for two weeks and figured that out then pulled her out of there. She was sick was she was always in her right mind so when she refused to buy that same heffa some groceries, she got dumped again. She took my aunt back to her house that had no running water or lights. It took her sister to threaten to call Adult Protective Services on her for her to go and pick my aunt up. All this time, the money has been ran through and there's basically nothing left but they have been telling my cousin that they were paying towards her burial. Come to find out, they had only paid a total of $250 on it. Like are you kidding me?!?! When she died, the only thing those fools could say was "I didn't think she was gonna go." I know they didn't think, as sick as she was, she was going to live forever. Such a sad situation.

So the funeral was set to start at 11am but some people still operate on CP time. We got there 20 minutes before and there was not a soul in site so my mother starts to call people and they go "we're on our way." By the time they get there, it's a little after 11 but that's cool, I already know how my family is. Prior to the funeral starting, my cousin had been talking to us and her brother walked by and they just looked at each other. In the funeral home, she tells us "I'm not for his shit today" and I don't blame her. I wasn't for it either. Once everyone (her daughters, their children, etc) get there, I'm looking around shaking my head. Everybody looked a hot ass mess. One of my cousins had on a lilac dress and a big purple hat and her sister had on some navy blue/black dress that was two sizes too little. It was just one of those WOW situations.

The funeral starts and everyone is surprisingly calm. My cousin, Boosie, was doing the eulogy. He's a certified mess..one of those fake preachers who thinks that he's holier than thou. Before he started his fiasco, he goes "FAMILY, DIS HERE IS TEMPORARY. GET YOU SOME INSHOANCE." We all just kinda looked around, wondering what his next move was gonna be. The prayer was done, there was a "selection" by the professional funeral goer then the madness started.

Boosie goes into how mean she was and how her genes were passed throughout the family. He said that her being mean was down to my grandmother and her offspring. He said that she couldn't cook and pauses before saying "sis, you can't cook." I looked at her face and I think that got in her feelings. She looked like she was ready to pop his ass. He goes on to talk about how she could be in town and nobody know it then he does the unthinkable. He called her baby brother out and as drunk as this fool was, my uncle stands up and goes "AY MAN!! WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?!" with his hands up in the air like it was about to go down. We literally had to stop the service to calm him down. Now how many funerals does that happen at?

After all of that, we go to the gravesite and that same uncle is stumbling all over everyone, we have the typical "LAWD TAKE ME WITH YOU" show and one fool who tried to dive into the grave. We should've pushed her ass over in there since she wanted to go so bad.

With all that happening, we opted out of going to the family's house for dinner. I couldn't take it anymore..I think those ghetto rats would've sent me into labor.